Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
