Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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