He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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