There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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