Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
