How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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