I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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