I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
