I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
