you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
