Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Such a big mess for such a small penis
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize