how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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