His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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