Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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