he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
