My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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