I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
