I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
