i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
