I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
