You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
