I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
