dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You can't special order awesome
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
how does that bad decision feel?
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