you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
