Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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