Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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