If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How does one acquire holy water?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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