I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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