I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
