I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
