just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize