Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
