Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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