Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
