i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
