You just made me feel so damn special
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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