If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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