I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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