Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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