Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
