I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize