thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
