are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
