shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
