you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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