the condom got lost in my hair
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
