awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
