I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
