I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
