I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
