I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
