soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
