So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
