How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
