It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize