the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
