Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I supernannyed him into submission
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
