Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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