apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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