It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
