you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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