I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
